I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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