I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
