If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
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