I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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