he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize