sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
