Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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