Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Randomize
