How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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