nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
