your room smells of hookers.
And success
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
That accounts for only three of the penises
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
