I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
