Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
