omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
