carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
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drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
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I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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