I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
