oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
