who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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