Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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