come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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