I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
