Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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