she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
