Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
