The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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