I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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