I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
