i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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