meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
