Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
