Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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