I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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