i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I would fuck him just for his dog
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
