Your dad touched me again.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize