You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
