So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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