I am puke
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
