um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
