i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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