The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
