I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
