break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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