WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
its not stalking. its research.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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