The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
