Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
