6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
