don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
