Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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