ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
