the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
