My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
