i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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