You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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