So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
