Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
