there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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