I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
